I thought it might be worthwhile showing everyone the scripts that didn’t get made for Straight8. They are the final draft shooting scripts – lean, mean, film-making machines.
Rock N Roll Martians VS Red Planet Earth
EXT. space – day?
A spaceship rockets through the eternal night of space.
Future year 1989.
INT. SPACESHIP CONQUEST – DAY
Three figures sit around the control panel, working intently.
The Commander! Ivana! Igor! The intrepid cosmonauts whose desperate mission to Mars will decide the fate of planet Earth!
The COMMANDER, is a no-nonsense apparatchik. His SCIENCE OFFICER, IVANA is stern yet sexy. The ENSIGN, IGOR, is an eager, clumsy puppy.
Conquest, this is Earth Station. Radio signals increasing in strength and
frequency. Tune auto-landing circuitry to carrier wave. It will take you to the source. COMMANDER
Auto-landing engaged.
EXT. MARS – DAY
The CONQUEST wobbles to a landing on a barren red landscape.
EXT. MARTIAN DESERT – DAY
The CREW disembark down a ladder. IVANA waves a metal device around.
Oxygen levels normal.
IGOR doffs his helmet, and – chokes! The COMMANDER glares at IVANA.
IGOR stops choking and grins. It’s a joke. The COMMANDER slaps him across the face.
Suddenly, IVANA spots movement.
Martians!
MARTIANS: they appear human but are dressed as 1950s greasers and bobbysoxers. With them is JUKEBOT, a lumbering boxy robot. Their leader, HEPCAT, has clearly been chosen because he is the coolest.
We bring greetings from Communist planet Earth. Take me to your leader.
HEPCAT
That’s me daddy-o. What’s buzzin, cuzzin?
COMMANDer
We seek the source of the transmission wave beamed at our planet.
HEPCAT
You mean the rock ‘n’ roll, baby!
IGOR
What is this…rocking roll?
HEPCAT
Hey man! Why tell you when we can show you? Jukebot!
JUKEBOT starts playing rock ‘n’ roll music. The MARTIANS dance along.
IGOR, intoxicated by the beat, starts dancing with one of the foxier aliens.
Igor. Return to your station.
He pulls a zapgun, and waves it in a threatening manner. He turns to IVANA.
Ivana!
Too late. She’s gone too, dancing with HEPCAT.
The TWO MARTIAN LOVELIES drape themselves seductively over the COMMANDER. He is unmoved, and punches them out!
The MARTIANS, and the controlled crew, advance on the COMMANDER.
Join us, Commander – you’ll dig it the most!
The COMMANDER is grabbed from behind by JUKEBOT.
Don’t be a square.
He spins free, and blasts JUKEBOT with his zapgun. JUKEBOT dies noisily, squirting fluid.
Uncool…uncool…uncool…
The COMMANDER mounts the ladder to CONQUEST, waving his zapgun.
Back, you imperialist dogs!
EXT. MARTIAN DESERT – CONTINUOUS
The CONQUEST launches.
ExT. SPACE – CONTINUOUS
The CONQUEST zooms away from Mars.
INT. SPACESHIP CONQUEST – CONTINUOUS
On the viewscreen HEPCAT and IVANA are snogging. The COMMANDER stabs at a control marked MISSILE LAUNCH.
EXT. MARS in space – CONTINUOUS
Mars explodes!
Beware, comrades! This has been fiction. But the pernicious threat of rock ‘n’ roll is real! Stay alert, stay vigilant!
This
work is
licensed under a
Creative
Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0
License.
Clive Ashenden/Rob Wickings/Sick Puppy Films 2007
INPUT:OUTPUT or DB-E does DL-S
Caption:
INPUT/OUTPUT
or
DB-E does DL-S
In a blocky system font, accompanied by modem noise.
INT. Living Room – Day
A normal front room. DB-E is dusting. DB-E is a hulking 50s style cardboard robot in a pinny.
The doorbell sounds. DB-E turns.
Ext. House – Day
A typical suburban exterior: DL-S, another robot, stands at the door.
INT. Hall – Continuous
DB-E opens the front door to DL-S.
Apart from the toolbelt he wears, DL-S is almost exactly the same make and model as DB-E.
Good afternoon, madam. I am here to install your cable television.
DB-E
Scanning ID…Entry authorised.
DL-S enters.
Int. Living Room – Continuous
DL-S fishes in his tool belt while DB-E watches.
I will require a large tool for this installation.
DB-E
I assume you have one of sufficient size.
DL-S
Affirmative.
He reveals a large spanner.
Query: is this your largest implement?
DL-S
Negative.
He rummages, to reveal (OS) a vast robotic groinal appendage.
This unit requests input.
DL-S
Request received. Implementing.
Funky music swells as the robots get on down.
Confirm. This input is acceptable.
On sofa, the usual porn shenanigans begin. Multiple positions.
Int. Bedroom – Day
They continue. DB-E is tied to the bed with coloured cable ties.
Engage external stimuli.
He has a feather duster attached to a drill attachment on his arm. He applies it vigorously.
Affirmative. Affirmative. Affirmative.
Further naughtiness. Lots of cardboard banging.
Request access to serial port.
DB-E
Negative. That port is output only.
DL-S
Transmitting system update.
DB-E
Data buffer overflow. Input enabled.
DL-S hammers away, drill speed.
11110001010010010001001001001001!
Finally, they arrange themselves for the climax.
I love you.
There is a Diet Coke and Mentos moment.
DL-S makes a noise like a kettle boiling.
DB-E is hosed in slow motion.
Int. Bedroom – Day
DB-E and DL-S are sat bolt upright in bed. Motionless, each has a lit cigarette dangling from its mouth grill.
THE END
This
work is
licensed under a
Creative
Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0
License.
Rob Wickings/Clive Ashenden/Sick Puppy Films 2007
EXCUSES AND HALF TRUTHS 