EXCUSES AND HALF TRUTHS

Oh, now this is interesting. Leo at Lifehack throws out some ideas on how the netsavvy geek can run his life just using Google Apps. This is increasingly how I’m running things at Casa de la Verdad Fea. I’m a one-stop kind of a guy, and Google keeps throwing out the kind of applications that I can pick up and use straight away. One minor tweak to his recommendations: I use Jack In The Box’s Google Apps Widget to get to my stuff. F12, baby!

NASA have reported that they now have concrete evidence of the presence of water on Mars. The astonishing evidence has been posted here.

(a little lax in posting. This should have gone up on Sunday.)

The good Doctor returns to our screens tonight, but all eyes will be on his new assistant. Hasn’t taken him that long to get over the loss of Rose Tyler, I see…
Stuart at Feeling Listless has spotted that Martha Jones has set up a Myspace page, complete with blog. Wonder what the wifi’s like in the Tardis?

To DeLane Lea tonight, for a screening of Simon Aitken’s Monologue Triptych.

Simon’s an independent filmmaker whose work has been quietly working it’s way in from the margins. His work is now popular enough that he could have easily filled the screening room twice over. I ended up sitting on the floor, and I’ve got a credit on the thing. Thanks, Simon.

The piece is a nested set of three shorts, each giving a different aspect to the character of an artist, bent on unburdening himself during an increasingly wine-soaked evening. The sole actor, Benjamin Green, does outstanding work in inhabiting a character who, let’s be frank, is a major-league arsehole. He describes the beating of an acquaintance with a pool cue as “probably the fourth-worst thing I’ve done”, and freely admits that most of the people he knows actively despise him.

Despite this he remains likeable, and manages to turn the viewers’ assumptions around in the third film, revealing the loss of his wife and daughters. The tears running down his face in this final section wash the bravado of what has gone before away, and the final close-up of a drawing done by his children is genuinely affecting. He perfectly serves Ben Woodiwiss’ sharp, funny and moving script.

I was the colourist on Monolouge Triptych. Shot on HDV, I had to work on a downconverted version due to circumstances I won’t bore the casual reader with. I was pleasantly surprised by the end results, however, with the projection being pretty accurate to what I’d graded. After the first fifteen seconds anyway. A minor projector fault led to the first couple of shots coming out bright green. My heart hit my boots, then my throat, in very quick succession. I was congratulated by the DOP on the look of the piece afterwards. Considering how it could have gone, that gave me a bit of a glow. Makes a change from having to explain what I do to people in a slow careful tone.

Oh, had to do that too. Colourist’s curse. Hey ho.

Boozy conversation in the bar afterwards led to Ben Green proudly fessing up to his carrot-chopping technique (those are impeccable 5mm slices, people!) and in the best way to get an actor to cry on cue. (Soap and water on a q-tip applied to the tear glands just before shooting.)

In general, then, a fun night with just the one spike of abject terror. (Simon, how was it for you?) As screenings go, that’s a bit of a score.

Check out a preview of Monolouge Triptych here (granted, without my lovely grade, but you get the idea.) It’s well worth a look.

Finally, a few words from Simon himself:

“I knew it would be a good night with all my friends, but when I walked into the screen and say that it was packed, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was amazing. Then to talk to all those people as well afterwards, it was really good. Only thing I need to get for these screenings is an assistant, to help organize the actually night. When you have to do everything yourself to don’t get a real chance to talk to people. Apart from that it was really good to see everybody and people really enjoyed the films. That’s all I could ask for.”

That says it all, really. Here’s to the next one!

Ok, I’ve put together a Flickr set of the production stills for “The Gourmand.”

Check em out here.

***WARNING – more shots of Clive with his top off.***

If syphillis was a food product, this is what it would look like.

via Sore Eyes, the evil swine.

A prime mash-up from the Norwegian Recycling Studios. I was wondering why Heart FM was starting to sound so samey…

(cheers #!/usr/bin/girl)

and while we’re on the subject, check out Rob Paravonian’s rant on Pachelbel’s Canon in D. Skip to the last minute if you’re inpatient to get to the point, but it’s vey funny, nonetheless…

Americans eat 90 acres of pizza per day.

Ribena’s nowhere near as healthy as they’d have you believe.

and, according to members of the Campaign for Real Ale, it is entirely possible to organise a pissup in a brewery.

Lord, the things you’ll find when you’re trying to avoid work…

I thought it might be worthwhile showing everyone the scripts that didn’t get made for Straight8. They are the final draft shooting scripts – lean, mean, film-making machines.

Rock N Roll Martians VS Red Planet Earth

A blare of over-excited martial music; a TITLE CARD in blocky Cyrillic text.

V/O

ROCK AND ROLL MARTIANS VERSUS RED PLANET EARTH!!!

EXT. space – day?
A spaceship rockets through the eternal night of space.

V/O
Future year 1989.

INT. SPACESHIP CONQUEST – DAY
Three figures sit around the control panel, working intently.

V/O
The Commander! Ivana! Igor! The intrepid cosmonauts whose desperate mission to Mars will decide the fate of planet Earth!

The COMMANDER, is a no-nonsense apparatchik. His SCIENCE OFFICER, IVANA is stern yet sexy. The ENSIGN, IGOR, is an eager, clumsy puppy.

V/O (Earth STATION)
Conquest, this is Earth Station. Radio signals increasing in strength and
frequency. Tune auto-landing circuitry to carrier wave. It will take you to the source.

COMMANDER
Auto-landing engaged.

EXT. MARS – DAY
The CONQUEST wobbles to a landing on a barren red landscape.

EXT. MARTIAN DESERT – DAY
The CREW disembark down a ladder. IVANA waves a metal device around.

IVANA
Oxygen levels normal.

IGOR doffs his helmet, and – chokes! The COMMANDER glares at IVANA.
IGOR stops choking and grins. It’s a joke. The COMMANDER slaps him across the face.

Suddenly, IVANA spots movement.

IVANA
Martians!

MARTIANS: they appear human but are dressed as 1950s greasers and bobbysoxers. With them is JUKEBOT, a lumbering boxy robot. Their leader, HEPCAT, has clearly been chosen because he is the coolest.

COMMANDER
We bring greetings from Communist planet Earth. Take me to your leader.
HEPCAT
That’s me daddy-o. What’s buzzin, cuzzin?
COMMANDer
We seek the source of the transmission wave beamed at our planet.
HEPCAT
You mean the rock ‘n’ roll, baby!
IGOR
What is this…rocking roll?
HEPCAT
Hey man! Why tell you when we can show you? Jukebot!

JUKEBOT starts playing rock ‘n’ roll music. The MARTIANS dance along.
IGOR, intoxicated by the beat, starts dancing with one of the foxier aliens.

COMMANDER
Igor. Return to your station.

He pulls a zapgun, and waves it in a threatening manner. He turns to IVANA.

COMMANDER
Ivana!

Too late. She’s gone too, dancing with HEPCAT.

The TWO MARTIAN LOVELIES drape themselves seductively over the COMMANDER. He is unmoved, and punches them out!

The MARTIANS, and the controlled crew, advance on the COMMANDER.

IGOR
Join us, Commander – you’ll dig it the most!

The COMMANDER is grabbed from behind by JUKEBOT.

JUKEBOT
Don’t be a square.

He spins free, and blasts JUKEBOT with his zapgun. JUKEBOT dies noisily, squirting fluid.

JUKEBOT (CONT’D)
Uncool…uncool…uncool…

The COMMANDER mounts the ladder to CONQUEST, waving his zapgun.

COMMANDER
Back, you imperialist dogs!

EXT. MARTIAN DESERT – CONTINUOUS
The CONQUEST launches.

ExT. SPACE – CONTINUOUS
The CONQUEST zooms away from Mars.

INT. SPACESHIP CONQUEST – CONTINUOUS
On the viewscreen HEPCAT and IVANA are snogging. The COMMANDER stabs at a control marked MISSILE LAUNCH.

EXT. MARS in space – CONTINUOUS
Mars explodes!

V/O
Beware, comrades! This has been fiction. But the pernicious threat of rock ‘n’ roll is real! Stay alert, stay vigilant!

This
work is
licensed under a
Creative
Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0
License.

Clive Ashenden/Rob Wickings/Sick Puppy Films 2007

INPUT:OUTPUT or DB-E does DL-S

FADE IN:

Caption:
INPUT/OUTPUT
or
DB-E does DL-S
In a blocky system font, accompanied by modem noise.

CUT TO:

INT. Living Room – Day
A normal front room. DB-E is dusting. DB-E is a hulking 50s style cardboard robot in a pinny.

The doorbell sounds. DB-E turns.

Ext. House – Day
A typical suburban exterior: DL-S, another robot, stands at the door.

INT. Hall – Continuous
DB-E opens the front door to DL-S.
Apart from the toolbelt he wears, DL-S is almost exactly the same make and model as DB-E.

DL-S
Good afternoon, madam. I am here to install your cable television.
DB-E
Scanning ID…Entry authorised.

DL-S enters.

Int. Living Room – Continuous
DL-S fishes in his tool belt while DB-E watches.

DL-S
I will require a large tool for this installation.
DB-E
I assume you have one of sufficient size.
DL-S
Affirmative.

He reveals a large spanner.

DB-E
Query: is this your largest implement?
DL-S
Negative.

He rummages, to reveal (OS) a vast robotic groinal appendage.

DB-E
This unit requests input.
DL-S
Request received. Implementing.

Funky music swells as the robots get on down.

DB-E
Confirm. This input is acceptable.

On sofa, the usual porn shenanigans begin. Multiple positions.

Int. Bedroom – Day
They continue. DB-E is tied to the bed with coloured cable ties.

DL-S
Engage external stimuli.

He has a feather duster attached to a drill attachment on his arm. He applies it vigorously.

DB-E
Affirmative. Affirmative. Affirmative.

Further naughtiness. Lots of cardboard banging.

DL-S
Request access to serial port.
DB-E
Negative. That port is output only.

DL-S
Transmitting system update.
DB-E
Data buffer overflow. Input enabled.

DL-S hammers away, drill speed.

DB-E & DL-S
11110001010010010001001001001001!

Finally, they arrange themselves for the climax.

DL-S
I love you.

There is a Diet Coke and Mentos moment.

DL-S makes a noise like a kettle boiling.
DB-E is hosed in slow motion.

Jump Cut to:

Int. Bedroom – Day
DB-E and DL-S are sat bolt upright in bed. Motionless, each has a lit cigarette dangling from its mouth grill.

THE END

This
work is
licensed under a
Creative
Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0
License.

Rob Wickings/Clive Ashenden/Sick Puppy Films 2007

Sometimes I worry about my writing. It’s difficult, plowing away on one’s own, not knowing if the sum total of all your pain and effort will be anything remotely worth reading.
And then, dear readers, I found this. An utterly extraordinary piece of writing. Thank you, Nathan L. Carnes. I feel a lot better now.

via Sore Eyes