The Monster Of Torchwood

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Due to work and social commitments getting in the way, it was this afternoon before I could sit and watch the final episode of Children Of Earth. It has been a weekend without Twitter, and with due care and attention taken to news feeds and newspaper reviews.

As Torchwood began with Gwen Cooper, it is only fitting that we should too. She has made the very point of this season very, very clear indeed.

“There’s one thing I always meant to ask Jack, back in the old days. I wanted to know about that Doctor of his. The man who appears out of nowhere and saves the world. Except sometimes he doesn’t. All those times in history when there was no sign of him, I wanted to know, why not? But I don’t need to ask anymore, I know the answer now. Sometimes the Doctor must look at this planet, and turn away in shame.”

Torchwood has always been a monster show, regardless of it’s reputation as a gore-driven shagfest. At it’s worst, it fell victim to the monster-of-the-week syndrome that did for much better shows. Cybergirls, sex vampires and giant bugs are not the building blocks of what I would call an adult SF show. That, thankfully, is no longer the case. The show has shed it’s fan-service baggage and grown up, and it’s done something more.

Children Of Earth redefined the image of a monster. Although the 456 are indeed horrible (even more so for never being seen clearly, something thrashing and tentacled half-glimpsed through toxic fog) the true monsters of the piece were much, much closer to home. The satire of a world government prepared to capitulate so completely to a global threat as to give away it’s children was broad, sure, but in the past couple of months we have started to see just what excesses our elected officials are capable of, and how a perfectly reasonable starting argument can quickly spiral so utterly out of control that the resulting explosion can leave us all with shrapnel wounds.

The timing was almost too perfect. RTD must have been jumping for joy at the synchronicity of it all.

(Unlike poor old Charlie Stross, who has seen his last couple of story ideas rapidly overtaken by real-world events. You can see why people claim that science fiction is dead.)

But there’s something else that Gwen says in that speech, and that’s the crux of the series, and in a way Russell Davies’ whole stint in the Whoniverse.

Let’s talk about Jack Harkness. In many ways, he is as powerful as the guy in the blue box. Ageless. Immortal. Indestructable. Killed on average once an episode during Children Of Earth. It’s not surprising that John Barrowman has his resurrection gasp down so well. He’s had lots of practice.

I see Captain Jack as the true monster of Torchwood. He has lived too long, and seen too much to be the hero that we’re supposed to see. Jack Harkness is no longer human, and is not subject to human morals or impulses. Sure, he can feel love, and respond to it. But he does so in a way that does not make us see anything but his utter self-absorbtion.

Take, for example, the assault on the 456 that let to Ianto’s death (I’m sorry, if that sentence is a spoiler then WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?) was typical Big Torchwood Rescue, with the difference that oops, this time the speeches and posturing didn’t work. And witness the reaction when Jack realises that he’s screwed up and put his boyfriend in the line of fire. The response to the chiding of the 456:

“You said you would fight.”

“I take it back. I take it all back. But not him.”

Not the response of a hero, of a man who moments before had said “an injury to one is an injury to all.”

Or check out the way he will willingly sacrifice his own grandson, with barely a tear. Without a word to his daughter. Without more than a feeble attempt to argue the point, or to see if someone else could be found. There’s regret there, but no genuine sense of grief.

At the end of the show, the man the planet needs more than anyone, the man with the most experience in the extra-terrestrial, disappears. Quite literally, beams aboard an ore freighter somewhere in the Oort Cloud and leaves behind the devastation he admitted was partially his fault. Rather than finding some kind of penance in helping to rebuild a world that is surely teetering on the brink of revolution (you’re telling me that the world-wide abduction of millions of children by their governments could be hushed up? Really?) he makes a CGI exit, leaving everyone to fend for themselves.

Just like his friend, the Doctor.

RTD has frequently alluded to the way the Gallifreyan will appear, play a part, then leave everyone else to clear up after him. Characters as diametrically opposed to each other as The Master and Sarah Jane Smith know and understand that if there is one thing the Doctor does not do – or even understand – it’s commitment.

Jack Harkness would appear to be of the same mind. Perhaps this is one of the things that happens when you become immortal. The ability to distance oneself from horror and despair in time, in space, in emotion.

Certainly, they are both used to leaving a swathe of corpses in their wake. Jack even goes so far as to list the casualties. Watch “Fragments”, the History of Torchwood episode that seems to have been placed in the middle of an climactic end-of-season run purely to make the point that being around the immortal is dangerous, if not fatal. He’s seen a lot of people die in his time. The knowledge that you will outlive everyone you will ever know has to do some funny things to your head.

The message is simple. Don’t trust the non-human. They will fuck with you, and leave you just when you need them the most.

Which leads to the question – where next? There’s been plenty of speculation that this is the end of Torchwood. That’s nonsense. Children Of Earth was the highest rated show of the week, pulling in audiences of 5.5 million without taking into account recordings and iPlayer viewings. That figure will rocket. The BBC will not ignore numbers like that.

And there are plenty of loose ends that could be pulled into some really interesting storytelling. Leave the space opera to the Doctor. I want to see Torchwood deal with a planet that can no longer ignore the fact that it is not alone. I want to see a Cardiff-based Alien Nation. I want to see Torchwood do The Wire.

Because let’s face it. The Hub is gone. What’s containing the Rift now? I want to see people like Gwen and Rhys, Lois and yes, even the eminently slappable Agent Johnson have to deal with a flood of exter-threats pouring out of that crack in the real without the intervention of the all-knowing supersexgod that cannot die. I want the threat to humanity dealt with by humans. I want to see the whole thing blown wide open. Weevils in the streets. No retcons. Screw Torchwood as the worst-kept secret in Cardiff.

I want Torchwood and U.N.I.T to become S.H.I.E.L.D. They’ve already got the helicarrier. They are the last, best hope against a cruel universe that sees us as a juicy resource. Dinner or drugs, fuel or fuck-buddies. Us against them. A world at war, and the frontline on Cardiff Bay.

And I only want Harkness back on the understanding that he is not, repeat not to be trusted. Him, or the other guy. Anyone that changes their appearance that often has got something to hide.

+++STOP PRESS+++STRAIGHT 8 NEWS+++

Your attention please. The word is finally out.

Time Out will be screening at the Curzon Mayfair on Monday 27 July at 9:15 in the pm. In a wonderful twist of synchronicity, X&HTeam-mates Fiona Brownlie and Andy Bradley will be showing on the same night, so it should be some party!

As ever, nerves will be masked by alcohol-fueled bravado, but the observant among you will not be fooled. Panic is the motor of the night, and that motor will be running on overdrive.

Good luck, everyone. It’s SHOWTIME.

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Things have happened and there is therefore news.

The fine folk at the Cambridge International Super 8 Festival have added Code Grey to their Best of the Fest touring roster. This has seen a selection of their most popular films screened in places as diverse as Hungary, France, Beijing and Weston Colville. It’s an honour to be a part of this rolling circus of goodies, and we’re deeply chuffed to have been asked. So who knows, perhaps you could soon see Code Grey on a big screen near you!

In the NO NEWS folder, we’re still waiting on a screening date for Time Out on this year’s Straight 8 screenings. All I can tell you currently is what’s been put on the Rushes Soho Shorts programme, which is that it will be screening on either the 27th or 29th at the Curzon Mayfair, or the 28th at the Renoir. All screenings start at 9.15. PROMISE, as soon as I know, there will be a breaking News Alert. I might even spring for a scrolling banner.

Finally, the Sick Puppies will be at Frightfest this year, Clive all weekend, me on the Saturday (Giallo! Pontypool! Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl!). No product to show, alas, just chillin with the horror community, and commiserating with our mate and X&HTeam-mate Simon Aitken, who didn’t make the deadline for this year with his excellent first feature, Blood And Roses. There’s always the Halloween all-nighter, though, right?

Right, I think that’s yer lot for now. How are you doing?

Advice from a (very) reluctant gardener

I spent most of the last post regaling you with tales of my laziness and incompetence in the garden. So you’re probably wondering where the hell I get off in offering any sort of advice. Apart from “Don’t listen to a word this man says.” But I believe that scars can be lessons, and that you learn from your mistakes.

With the benefit of hindsight, then, I’d like to present you with my thoughts, random and twisted as they are, on the gentle art of food production. Or How Not To Fuck Up, The Rob Way.

1. SALAD.

You can’t go wrong with salad, really. It’s redonkuously simple to raise from seed, takes no time at all to grow, and just keeps coming back. In fact, along with bastard nettles, salad has led me to the greatest appreciation of the tenacity and vigour of plant life. Short of dumping a Bhopal worth of toxic nasties onto it, it’ll keep on coming.

A packet of mixed varieties of the kind of interesting leaves that will set you back three quid per pillow pack in Tesco can be had for a pittance, or free if you keep your eye on the gardening mags for cover-mounts. Open pack, scatter a pinch of seeds in a pot of fresh compost, water, leave, wait two weeks. Bingo. Gourmet salad that will keep coming up after several pickings, but if you scatter another pinch of seeds into the same pot every couple of weeks that, my friends, is salad for the summer.

Bear in mind though, that this needs a careful wash and a pick over before serving. And you might want to keep an eye out for stray nasties. Allow me to illustrate:

Things I have found in my salad pot while harvesting for dinner:

a) animal faeces

b) wormy slug things

c) nettles

A subset:

Things a thorough wash will remove from your carefully selected leaves:

a) animal faeces

And another:

Things I have fished out of salad moments before serving it to guests:

c) nettles

Go ahead, do the maths. I can wait.

2. WEEDS WILL SUCK OUT ANY JOY YOU FIND IN GARDENING

Some cooks, notably Hugh Fearlessly-Eatsitall, are vocal in their support of the nutritional benefits and flavour of nettles. I am of the opinion that the vile toxin in this most evil of plants has percolated into his brain and is forcing him to do it’s bidding.

He has become a slave to the pernicious weed, and he wants us to come along with him to his happy little plant utopia. I know different. I have seen what these things look like. I know what these things can do. I have grabbed for something that looks like wild rocket, and come up with a bouquet of barbed wire that literally had me crying with pain.

Believe me, when you’ve pulled out a tap root as tall as you are, and still not be certain that you’ve got the whole thing, then you know that you are facing an enemy that deserves both your respect and your utter, unswerving emnity. It’s like the Day Of The Triffids out there, people, and if you’re unprepared the evil stingy little bastards will have you.

I have been known to extol the use of of napalm at the copse end. Like Ripley says, it’s the only way to be sure.

Right. Sorry. Where was I again?

Oh yeah. Nettle soup. Don’t do it. Your humanity will thank you.

3. WHEN IT COMES TO GARDENING OPINIONS, LIKE ARSEHOLES, ARE EVERYWHERE. NO WAIT THAT’S NOT QUITE RIGHT.

I guess this is the point where you’d be justifed in yelling at me. Oh poor Rob, boo hoo hoo, look at me with my acres of land that gives me mild backache and and a thin excuse to wallow in undeserved existential angst. Some of us, that is, most of us, have to make do with the sort of postage stamp plot you gleefully walked away from in 2004, if we even have a patch of ground to hang a back door from. We don’t get the option of overwhelming ourselves with a horticultural excess, thank you very much Alan Titchmarsh, so less of the smuggery, you patronising git.

Which is fair enough. My woes are insignificant, and are born from a wealth of opportunity and space in which I could make my mistakes. I don’t claim to be any kind of expert. In fact I am the opposite. I am the sort of bumbling idiot that would make a rank amateur look like Monty Don, so I once again advise you to approach any advice I’m offering as hard-won, covered in bruises and mud, and to be taken with a heaped double handful of Maldon’s finest.

I do have a point here, believe it or don’t. If you have any kind of interest in throwing seeds into dirt and gnawing on the leafy results, then there is a shedful of advice and info out there which is maddeningly patronising and wildly contradictory.

For example. There’s a strong argument that one should grow the kind of crops that would be difficult or expensive to source in the shops. Kohl rabi, to name one. Cardoon. Celariac.

Which makes sense, until you’re faced with a bed full of kohl rabi, cardoon and celeriac and you realise that a) you have no idea what to do with it and b) no-one you know, including you, can eat the rank stuff. Seriously. Cardoon is a more fibrous, less tasty form of celery. Celeriac is like a turnip crossed with a football, in both appearance and flavour. Kohl rabi … fuck knows. Not a clue. Steam it until it goes gluey, then use it to plaster a wall for all I know. Or care.

So, yes, it may seem blatantly bloody obvious, and I can feel you winding up for another rant, but listen. Here’s my handful of change. Just grow what you like to eat. Root crops for definate. You can grow carrots and cabbage in a bucket if you have the slightest bit of outdoor space. Spuds can go in a planter, and even if you just grow newies it’s worth it. There’s a real difference in flavour if a new potato lands on your plate within an hour or so of coming out of the dirt.

And of course, tomatoes and chilis can be house plants as long as you’re vigilant and cruel with the foliage.

Now, to prove the point I made above, I’m going to merrily go ahead and contradict myself.

It’s worth growing exotic salads, as they’re quick to grow and easy to bin once you discover that mizuna isn’t your thing (heathen. It’s delicious.) And if you do have the space, it’s worth maybe trying one thing you wouldn’t usually pick up from Sainsbury’s. I developed a liking for courgettes after planting a couple on a whim, and there’s a plant in my small veg patch now that I’ve just started to crop from. Courgette fritters are the best, trust me.

But if you’ve only got counter or sill space then I SWEAR TO GOD YOU’RE AN IDIOT IF THERE AREN’T HERB PLANTS TAKING UP SOME OF IT. Attractive, fragrant, multiple uses, and may I once again stress, dirt in a pot, seeds, water, sunlight, bit of time, DONE. If you’re buying pot herbs or worse still, packets of cut herbs from Morrison’s, then you’re a mug. Unless your idea of herbs is that green confetti that you get out of a Schwartz pot. In which case just … go away. Really. Just go away.

A pot each of basil, thyme, rosemary and parsley will set you up as the kind of person that understands the function of a kitchen, that it’s not just a room to keep the microwave and kettle. And that, my friend, makes you the kind of person that is worth knowing, talking to, or snogging.

4. DO IT FOR A REASON.

I guess what I’ve been trying to say all along is that my whole reason for going out in the garden in the first place was to improve my skills as a cook. Fresher ingredients make for a better meal. I’ll admit to monomania when it comes to the subject. If I can’t eat it, it’s really not my kind of thing.

Flowers and shrubs are ok, I suppose, in a fragrant sheltery kind of a way, but they’re just kind of … there, really. Taking up valuable carrot-growing space. Food from the earth is where it’s at for me. It’s the motivation for me to pick up a spade, pull on my gardening pants and get out there.

At one point, I even flirted with the idea of following the example of our next door neighbours and keeping chickens and a goat. Until I was quietly taken aside by my lovely wife.

“Rob,” she said, sitting me down and then sitting on me just to make sure I was listening. She may have wiggled a bit to really catch my attention. “You hate eggs, and you barely have the patience to look after a potato, let alone anything with a pulse. I’m not having the SWAT division of the RSPCA dropping in on us after you start running the animal equivalent of Aushwitz.”

She’s right, of course, curse every teeny tiny perfect inch of her. Vegetables very nearly got the better of me two years ago. That can’t happen again.

I now have one small plot, running courgette, butternut squash and cucumber plants. A couple of pots of chilis. A growbag with a couple of varieties of tomatoes. The aforementioned plethora of herbs and salad. And that’s it. Come the winter I’ll probably clear the ground and do cabbage, carrots and beetroot. Maybe some garlic and onion sets. Perhaps a planter of spuds when the new season seed potatoes arrive. But I’m keeping it at a proven acceptable level, and the ground clearance we worked so hard on means that the evil weeds should not present so much of a problem (ha ha famous last words).

I feel better about the copse end today than I have done in years. It feels like a place to relax, have a drink, and watch the vegetables grow.

And that, my patient, patient Readership, is what gardening is all about to me.

Confessions of a (very) reluctant gardener

It was all supposed to be so easy. We moved out of That London in 2004, ready to take on aspects of a new life. Clare was taking on a new job out in the throbbing everpulsating heart of Oxford’s Science Belt, I would begin the life of a Thames Valley Commuter. More importantly for the purposes of this piece, we were seriously upgrading our garden.

Our old place in Walthamstow was a typical two up two down end of terrace, snug, compact, with a garden that would blush with pride at being called postage-stamp sized. There was room for a couple of pots and an overenthusiastic gunnera. And us, if we sat close together and didn’t breathe too hard.

By comparison, the new place had a hundred and thirty feet to play with. There was a fish pond. There was a water feature. There was a vine-strewn pergola. There was another pond, which we found when we started getting the goddamn vine off the goddamn pergola.

And then there was the copse end. Backing onto a stand of trees owned by the local school, the last fifty feet had been used by the previous owner as the engine of a small market gardening enterprise. There was a ramshackle outbuilding, a greenhouse, and four big brick raised beds.

I looked at this bit, called bagsy on it, and began to plot my new life as a kitchen gardener. There was enough space to grow just about everything vegetable we could ever need, and the infrastructure was already there! It would be so simple. I started buying seeds, sets and bulbs and began to plant.

I was ahead of the curve when it came to the grow-your-own boom that is taking over gardening shows and magazines. I was growing spuds, knotting garlic and harvesting fresh salads a good few years before it became fashionable.

And I remain ahead of that curve now. While everyone else is building, I’ve spent the past few weeks tearing everything down. The greenhouse and outbuilding have gone. All but one of the beds has been torn up, and turf will soon be laid over where they once stood.

I’m starting again. And this time I’m doing it right.

It was fine for the first year or so. I started gently, opening up one bed at a time, planting the veg that I knew I would eat. Spuds, carrots, onions. Root crops that didn’t need much care or attention. The weather was good, the harvest was deeply satisfying. On several occasions, I was cooking and serving meals which had been 80% sourced from the beds.

I started to get ambitious, and that, Readership, is where the wheel started to come off the wheelbarrow. I opened up all four beds, and was growing a veritable cornucopia of veggie goodness. Sweetcorn, courgettes, tomatoes and chilis. Radish, cucumber, salads by the bowlful. And we started to come across a couple of problems.

First of all, as I commute to and from work in London, I spend twelve hours a day away from the house. I was getting less and less time to tend the plots, and increasingly, less inclination to do so. Weeds began to sneak into the beds, and I had to spend an increasing chunk of my weekends battling the nettles and bindweed. Weeding is no fun, and I began to resent, rather than enjoy the time I was spending at the copse end. It was tiring work, and as I began to put it off more and more, the unwelcome visitors began to take a firm grip. I was getting stung to bits and worn out every time I took a trip down the garden – a trip I was becoming increasingly disinclined to take.

Secondly, I was the victim of my own ambition. I had planted up enough food to feed a decent size vegetarian village, and was simply growing far more than we could eat. Even with donations to interested parties, a lot of what I grew bolted or rotted in the ground before it could get eaten. This, in addition to a couple of lousy summers, meant that I gradually stopped even going up past the garage to see what carnage was being wrought.

The results were pretty obvious. The copse end became a weed-clogged, gloomy nightmare. It was used as a location for the Sick Puppy film “The Gourmand”, and it suited perfectly. My bit of the garden had mutated from a landscape of hope and sustenance to the setting for a horror film.

(2:28 for the true horror).

Things had to change, and this year has been the year to do it. We came to the conclusion that things weren’t working, and for a very good reason. We were trying to adapt what was in place to our needs, rather than letting our needs dictate the shape of the grounds.

Also, we had known when we moved in that the sun ended up drenching the copse end in the afternoon. It was the perfect place to unwind after work with a beer, and being confronted with under-tended veg beds was not the nicest of views.

Also, I’m a workshy knob who’s not really that into gardening in the first place. There, I said it. I love the idea of gardening, planting stuff, eating the results. It’s all that tedious mucking around with dirt and spades in the middle that I can’t get to grips with. Yes, yes, I know, if you’re an organised gardener you can get your chores down to twenty minutes a day but even that small amount seems like a noisome intrusion into my plonked-in-front-of-a-laptop time.

Or, if I can just be slightly less tough on myself for a sec, the only spare time I get to fart around with hoes and sticks and watering cans are weekends, time that I kind of like to spend with my lovely wife not bloody working, thank you.

We have spent our free time this spring on clearance duties. The copse end has been restored to a tabula rasa, and this time we’re defining what goes onto it. We have, as the sainted Ellen Ripley would urge, nuked the site from orbit. I have made acquaintance with a sledgehammer. Anyone aware of my co-ordination issues should be cringing at that thought, but thus far I, and everyone within swinging range, remain surprisingly undamaged.

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We have cut down three trees, including the scary eucalyptus that was blocking the sun, while looming towards the house at a thirty-degree angle. That took one long Saturday, a day tainted with the distinct fear that at one point the bugger was going to land in next door’s garden, on top of their greenhouse. It didn’t, but it was a close call.

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We mused about remaking the outhouse into a summerhouse, before giving into the inevitable, realising it was half-rotten and rendering it down to firewood. We have had a lot of bonfires this year, each one a waypoint, a signal flare, an exorcism.

And there are bonuses. I have a shed now. I have a proper, honest to goodness shed. I have a firepit. A proper, marshmallow-burning firepit. We have turf to lay, a summerhouse to raise, lights to place. And then, Readership, we will have a piece of land that we can be proud to call our own.

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Coming up: Rob seems to think he can give advice about gardening, despite all the evidence to the contrary he’s just given.