The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 35

This time of year is peak activity for one of my more annoying habits — causing injury to the motor vehicle I am allegedly in control of. No-one else is involved. The only person at risk is me, the only thing at risk is my dignity. 

Six years ago, I half-tore the front bumper off our long-suffering Note, necessitating an panicky appointment with our local body shop. The work was finished the evening before we were travelling up to Staffordshire for a big family Christmas.

This week two years ago I gently backed the same Note into a sticky-out bit of I-beam supporting an air-conditioning unit at work. The back windscreen imploded with a gentle pop. Glass everywhere.

On Monday, while pulling into our front drive I misjudged the angle of approach and swerved Harvette into a tree, cratering a divot into the join between the front and passenger-side doors. Cosmetic damage, but an insurance claim and a courtesy car nevertheless. Wails of despair from me, assurances from C that this stuff happens. Like I’m not going to blame myself brutally and at length for my shortcomings.

Why do I do this in December? I think the weeks leading up to my birthday are more discombobulating than usual. As another year ticks off my allowance, I become a little sadder, a little more distracted. Once I get past the mid-point of the month I settle down and cheer up, but in general I am a sulky little pain in the butt around now.

Tis the season, jingle trauma, falalalala boo yuk.

Best not ask for a lift from me until after Christmas. I’ll let C do the driving until then.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

Continue reading The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 35

The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 34

So, I guess we’re doing this again. Every year, we jump on the same merry-go-round and whizz about until we feel a bit dizzy and sick. We spend too much, buy too much, eat and drink too much, then limp into January either in penitent’s weeds or wild-eyed insistence that it’s actually better for us to carry on with the party. We never learn, and capitalism makes sure we don’t.

C and I are no better. We did a food shop earlier in the week and ended up with half a trolley-full of snacks and sweets which we’ll still be eating in March. Call it stockpiling just in case the AI bubble bursts and the global economy collapses on Boxing Day. For presents, we buy the slightly more expensive things we’d both like and can’t justify at any other time of year, give them to the other and tell ‘em to wrap it. A more logical way of doing things—at least we’re guaranteed to get the stuff we want.

However you’re spending the upcoming X-pocalpse, remember to be kind, gentle and forgiving to those you’ll spend the time with. More importantly, be good to yourself. If you need breathing space, take it. Call it a Christmas gift from you to you.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

Continue reading The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 34

The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 33

Despite the weather and the change of the season, there are still jobs to be done in the garden. C spent a bright sunny day outside yesterday, engaged in the pleasingly mindful task we all know as pottering about. Sweeping, tidying, planting tulips for the spring, putting straw and fleece on the beds to keep the soil and its humming ecosystem beneath warm and snug. There’s still colour out there—the bare scarlet branches of the acers, the clean green and white of the chard, still providing for the table even now. Frothy fronds of fennel are poking up too, a sharp, tangy green. You learn quickly about the circle of life in a garden. No matter how bleak the forecast, change is always round the corner. Whatever the season, the earth abides.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

Continue reading The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 33

Several Sorts Of Sacred

From Glastonbury Tor, you can find a kind of perspective. Below you, the lines of the earth are clear and sharp—both the natural contours of the land, and the hedges, fields and roads carved onto the face of Mother Earth by her violent offspring. Even on a cloudy, blustery day, the horizon is a long way in the distance. Petty concerns and worries slip off your shoulders, whisked away into the wild beyond, and for that moment you can breathe again.

As your head clears, you feel as if you’ve found something sacred.

C and I heard that word a lot on our long weekend in Somerset. The area around Wells and Glastonbury is one of those places in England where the skin between the mundane and the sublime is a little thinner, a shade more translucent. Here, it’s easy to believe in magic. Or at least, in a world beyond the everyday.

Here’s an example. We had booked a glamping pod, which you would reasonably expect to be in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere. Imagine my surprise when the satnav guided us into a maze of back streets near the centre of Wells, passing industrial units, garages, the entrance to a branch of Morrison’s. We were lost, surely. Had I read the booking guide wrong?

A pod, a Harvette, a cathedral.

We took one last turn, found ourselves in a farmyard, thence to a wide field with hills rolling away behind. Our pod awaited, in a place which in a logical world should not have existed. We could still see the supermarket.

We could also see Wells Cathedral.

Imagine a hymn in stone, a symphony in granite, marble and brass. A dream of glory made manifest in soaring arches and spires, geometry made manifest, architecture wrought into being as an article of faith. A building like Wells Cathedral should not exist in a small Somerset town, tucked behind the market place through a humble archway. It is otherworldly, extraordinary in the purest sense of the world. A house fit for a god.

I’m always amused by the theories of certain credulence-stretching ancient historians that the remarkable buildings of the ancient past were constructed with such skill, to such fine tolerances, that mere humans must have had a helping hand, perhaps from aliens or time travellers. Side-barring the obviously racist undertones of the argument (it’s always the ancient Egyptians who need the help, never the Romans) it ignores the simplest explanation. Artifacts like Wells Cathedral and Glastonbury Abbey—of which more in a minute—were built with simple tools and techniques, but under the hands of craftsmen who would have honed their art over decades. They knew the stone, the metal, the glass. They knew how to form it, how to fit it. There would have been hundreds of men working on the building. And they would have taken their time. Wells Cathedral took three hundred years to rise from foundation to capstone. Over a long enough timeframe, with a sufficient workforce, any dream can be made real. That, I think is the most wonderful thing about Wells Cathedral. A house for a god, sure. But only here thanks to all too human virtues—hard work, skill, talent, tenacity.

Glastonbury rivals Wells in the weight of the history inside its walls, but the vibe is very different. We had expected a hippy feel. We were not quite ready for the sheer number of shops selling the alternative experience—arcane emporia, tarot card-slingers, all the supplies your coven or church-not-made-with-hands could possibly need. If you’re in the market for crystals or unicorn-themed ephemera, than by The Great God Pan, are you ever in luck. To the inhabitants of Glastonbury, this is Sacred Avalon. The last resting place of Arthur and Guinevere, (at least according to the monks of Glastonbury Abbey, who claimed to have discovered the grave in 1191, a declaration which had the entirely unsurprising effect of boosting the place into a major destination for pilgrims) the site of Chalice Well, a source of healing water, and of course the towering hump of the Tor overlooking everything. If you go in with the right attitude, Glastonbury is a lot of fun. The townsfolk are uniformly gentle and sweet, and there’s a calming air to the place. Arthur or no, it’s a nice place to pilgrimage to.

We visited on Remembrance Sunday. The Main Street was closed to traffic as wreathes were laid and the Last Post sounded. It’s always an eerie feeling to hear the sounds of a town ebb to silence at 11am, the small knot of supplicants round the memorial standing sombre and still.

I have a little ambivalence towards the ritual though—and let’s be clear, the performance which takes place on the Sunday nearest the 11th November has all the aspects of a rite, its phases proscribed, inviolable. There are unwritten laws, and trouble ahead should you choose to ignore them. You shall wear a poppy, you shall stop what you are doing. Never mind if you have your own way to remember the fallen which doesn’t include a donation to the British Legion.

And of course, we choose to remember without learning a thing. The War To End All Wars could not have been more ironically named. It’s argued that as the last participants in the Big World Wars die, we move our attention to veterans of more recent conflicts. The same mistakes made over and over again. Surely, our focus should be on building a world where this increasingly empty ritual has no place, no point. Where the fallen are remembered not because of how they died, but because of how they lived. My grandad Wal fought in Africa in World War 2. He never spoke about his time there, and we could never get war stories out of him. I think, given the choice, he would want to forget about it all.

But then I’m reminded of Kurt Vonnegut’s view on the subject, and realise a quiet moment on a single Sunday morning in November isn’t such a sacrifice.

After the bells had rung and the crowd around St. John The Baptists Church wandered off to do a bit of early Christmas shopping, C and I readied ourselves for a tiny pilgrimage of our own. It made sense to start at Glastonbury Abbey, through which so many penitents have passed. The building is bones now, high walls stark and clean against a scumble-grey sky. In the 12th century it was painted in bright colours, a joyous hallelujah with the added advantage of showing off the wealth and power of the monks. It still has the power to bring you to pause, even just as high walls and archways.

Curiously, the one structure which has had the most attention, restored to a condition close to the one in which it would have been used, is the kitchen. The most complete medieval building in Europe, you can clearly see how food was prepared, with dedicated fires for roasting and pots, and a blackened bread oven in one corner. A logical, practical layout. If they’d let me light the fires, I could probably cook a meal in there.

The tomb of Arthur and Guinevere is less impressive. Once you pass through the tall entrance (still surprisingly symmetrical) the grave itself is a simple slab with a plaque. A traveller had placed a single rose on the stone, which was starting to wilt. There has been no attempt to fancy this part of the Abbey up, as if it’s shamefully accepted that, like many of the purported sites of Arthur’s last resting place, its claim is subject to — shall we say, questions of authenticity.

Onwards, heading steadily uphill now to the site of Glastonbury’s holy spring, Chalice Well. This has been in use for hundreds of years, fed by an aquifer which delivers thousands of gallons daily, even in drought. It’s said to be the site where Joseph of Aramathea buried the Holy Grail, and the iron-tinged waters of the Red Spring remind the faithful of the nails of the Crucifixion.

Nowadays, it’s a place of spirituality and contemplation. You can sip of the healing waters (pleasingly cool and minerally, I can report) pace in the sacred pool, or simply sit and meditate for a while. The founder of the Chalice Well Trust, Wellesley Tudor Pole (yep, Eddie’s granddad) advocated for a Silent Minute twice a day at 12 and 3pm, as ‘a united and harmonious channel through which can pass strength and guidance.’ A quiet contemplative moment shared by all at a set time. Sound familiar?

Chalice Well is at the foot of Glastonbury Tor, our last steps on the path of pilgrimage. A high point on the flat expanse of The Somerset Levels, it has been a site of worship since Saxon times, and more than one building has been built at the summit. The current tenant is St. Micheal’s Church. You have to wonder why M&S don’t set up a small concession up there for hungry pilgrims.

At a snidge over 500ft it’s a steep climb to the top, but not a deal-breaker. There is a clearly defined stone path and plenty of places to rest. Pace yourself. Enjoy the way the view of the town and Levels gradually reveal themselves.

At the top, your reward—England, mapped out at your feet. You cannot help but be transported, if only thanks to the euphoria that comes with completing the climb. It was a windy, rainy day for us, all the better to feel my cares blow away like so much sawdust, whirling for a second over my head before the gusts took them. Ahead of us, a thigh-shuddering walk back down, and a celebratory pint as the rain settled in—try Becket’s on the High Street for the true Glastonbury experience—friendly, free-thinking and joyfully eccentric.

We ached, we were damp, we were a little emotional. But we knew how the pilgrims felt now. How walking a path in a mindful manner can be its own kind of worship, a sacred place to hold inside yourself.

One last thing. Our first night at the pod, full of pasta and a little boozed, and we decided to check out the wood-heated hot tub. Now, you may remember my struggles with fire from our Spring break. This was a little more successful, and we floated happily in the warm water, glass in hand. C finally decided she had wrinkled enough, and left me alone.

It was dark, and the rain began to fall. In the distance, the bell ringers at Wells Cathedral were practising, a carillon of chimes spiralling through the air. I floated, watching the fine needles of water droplets ping and pop on the surface of the water, listening to the bells, feeling myself blur and merge a little with the soft expanse of the universe. I was, at that moment, utterly content, totally at peace. It was—now, what’s the word?

The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 32

We have gone into the west—well, a bit. Somerset, to be precise, for a few days away from—well, everything. Burnout sneaks up on you. The water in the pot warms up and your soul starts boiling off like pink steam before you realise. A long weekend probably isn’t enough, but we’ll take what we can get. 

Quite a writery Swipe this week, with Kerouac and Irving and the guy who invented what we think of fetish wear. Ok, that took a swerve. Maybe the water’s hotter than I thought.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

Continue reading The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 32

Rising

I couldn’t tell you where it started, this thing with Bruce and I. Perhaps it was the thundercrack, the twelve-gun salute from Mighty Max Weinberg which counts off Born In The USA. Maybe it was the hundreds of listens I gave to my dad’s tape of Nebraska, played on rotation in the flats and houses he lived in while he and my mum lived separate lives. It may even have been a clip of the E Street Band in full flight in 1975, blasting through Rosalita at the Hammersmith Odeon, which seemed to always be playing on the Old Grey Whistle Test. You know, the one with that ridiculous hat.

Continue reading Rising

The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 31

We took a wander out into the woods near Maidenhead last week, as an attempt to keep some sort of exercise regime running. The weather was greyer than expected, but the colour of the leaves and foliage, all golds and postbox reds, provided a splash of warmth.

On our way home we dropped into Wargrave Nurseries, who have regular open weekends. They specialise in giant pumpkins at this time of year, and some of the examples on offer are extraordinary. One in particular, which spilled off the sides of the Europallet it was placed upon, was on sale for £1250. That’s a lot of soup. Seems ridiculous, but some slightly smaller ones had sold for a few hundred quid, so there’s clearly a market. We bought some colourful gourds for an autumn display instead, spending a tenner. That’s quite enough outlay on seasonal decoration, thank you.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

Continue reading The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 31

The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 30

This week, a little spurt of writing advice as we gather pace towards a month made for hunkering down and making a dent in your wordcount. The organisation behind Nanowrimo hasn’t made any friends with its embrace of AI assistance, and I understand the calls for boycott. For many of us, though, November is still hardwired as a blessed 30 days of hard work. Will you be indulging? Even if you can’t make the whole 50,000 word goal, it’s a great time to pick up the habit of doing something creative every day. Hope to see you on the start line.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

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The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 29

You’ll notice something of a theme in some of this week’s links and articles. Let’s just say the subject kept coming up in different settings and contexts. It’s clearly on a lot of people’s minds at the moment. It would be very easy for me to drop into a long-winded rant, but I like to think you know my views on the subject at hand.

I offer a pledge—Excuses And Half Truths and The Swipe remain forever hand-crafted and built with pride and care. By humans, for humans.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

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The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 28

The shift from summer to autumn seems to happen more suddenly than with any other seasonal switch. It’s been accelerated this year, perhaps, by our week in Northumberland — the return to work suddenly had me waking up in the dark, which is always one of the major signifiers of the change. The light has a new lambency, the air a strange foggy crispness. Aldi, charmingly, has both Halloween and Oktoberfest goodies in the middle aisle.

Rejoice! It’s decorative gourd season, which gives me the excuse to bring this old banger out from the attic.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

Continue reading The Swipe Volume 3 Chapter 28