EXCUSES AND HALF TRUTHS

The Swipe Volume 2 Chapter 4

This week we consider the art of whistling in pop, have thoughts and opinions on criticism and enable restraint. Lots to see and do this week. LET’S GET THINGS STARTED.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

This time yesterday I had four links ready for The Swipe and very little else. I thought I’d have to pull up something from the archive for you all to read. And then, as a quiet afternoon wore on, the links started appearing, in newsletters, through the newsfeeds. By the time House Of Games started, I had a full roster. Sometimes the universe will provide, even if it takes its bleedin’ time.

Of course, I could have just taken a week’s break. But the newsletter has been running as an unbroken chain since May 2020. You might not notice I hadn’t posted. But I would.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

The Swipe Volume 2 Chapter 2

I’m not sure why the January flood and cold snap always manages to take us by surprise. It’s been like this for the last ten years. Disappointingly mild Christmas, then we hit the New Year and the heavens fall while the mercury goes through the floor. To be fair, though, it’s all hit extra hard this year, and Berkshire has taken a kicking.

I don’t intend to minimise the distress of every home and business in Reading that’s been affected. I hope everyone gets the help they need with no unnecessary insurance company foolishness. Now is not the time to lowball the customer base, right? With that in mind I urge you, if you’re local and if you can, to get across the Playhatch roundabout and visit The Flowing Spring on the way to Henley. They’re open, despite the duck pond in the car park, and could really use the business.

Meanwhile, TLC and I are keeping warm and cosy, hitting the hibernation button hard. The Christmas oversupply of treats is going down slightly more quickly than planned but, hey, you gotta keep your strength up, right?

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, stay safe and dry and welcome to The Swipe.

The Swipe Volume 2 Chapter 1

Soggy New Year! 2024 has begun with All The Weather, storms rolling across Britain in a violent attempt to scour humanity off the land. My daily commute through the picturesque Thameside village of Sonning has tested the car’s amphibious capability to the limit. Your thoughts and prayers please for Sonning resident George Clooney, whose £12m mansion has several new unexpected swimming pools. Snow next week, apparently. Say what you like about climate change, it keeps things interesting. It gives TLC and I another excuse to hunker down and work on the huge backlog of snacks and treats left over from Christmas. Another slice of pannetone? Don’t mind if I do!

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to the 2024 volume of The Swipe.

The Excuses And Half Truths Annual Report 2023

And lo, it came to pass the days known as Betwixtmas fell upon the land. The people were filled with dolor and langour, picking listlessly at food prepared days before, gradually becoming as one with their sofas, eyes wide but unseeing as yet another rerun of that Only Fools And Horses Christmas special with the hilarious Batman bit unspools on the telly.

Woe and alas, even yr humble author was afflicted with the inability to recognise the passage of time, and so it was late in the week before he realised he should get his lazy arse off his armchair and grubby mitts out of the tin of Quality Street, lest his beloved Readership be deprived of the high quality bloggertainment on which they had become so dependent.

Greetings, then, from the library at Littlecote House in Berkshire, the venue for this year’s overview of Events What Has Happened. TLC and I have retreated to this bucolic country retreat to break up that Betwixtmas feeling and get some gentle relaxitude into our aching raddled corpuses. As Storm Gerrit rattles the 500 year-old rafters, we’re indulging in all the tea and cake we can cram into our feed holes, braving the weather after the rain passes to bimble in the surrounding woodlands.

Let us, while musing on the choice between fruit and cheese scone, Darjeeling or Orange Pekoe, take a moment to look back on 2023. I’m sure you have your memories, good and ill. Here are mine.

The Swipe Volume 1 Chapter 44

It’s coming. You can smell it, all clove and cinnamon, goose fat and sage, pine and wood smoke. You can see it in every string of lights draped across house fronts, in the reflections of trimmed trees in shop windows. You can hear it, in the way tunes are made seasonal with the addition of sleigh bell samples, in the groan when an unsuspecting victim gets Whamageddoned (my Waterloo was early this year as a rickshaw span past blaring the song while we were looking at the deccoes in the fashion district round Bond and South Molton Streets—a literal drive-by).

However the season hits you, I hope it’s gentle and easy and warm and sweet. Something a little different next week, as I issue an Annual Report, which will include a couple of short stories from me to ease you through Betwixtmas. I always bang on about being a writer. Here comes the proof.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

The Swipe Volume 1 Chapter 43

X minus 9 and the countdown is obviously running. Thanks to a lucky confabulation of holiday time and shift days off I have two working days left this year. This feels slightly strange but very nice. I’d become used to being last man in on Christmas Eve, switching the site to standby, wandering the rooms as the pervasive hum of machinery dwindles to silence. It was a clear indication of a state change, that Santa was on his way. I won’t miss it this year, though. Let someone else have the honour. I have mince pies and sherry to consume. Oh, and a spot of final shopping today for my sins. If you see a lanky discombobulated bloke wandering round Reading with a lost and slightly panicky look on his face—that’ll be me, looking for a clue for presents. Your sympathy is noted and welcome.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

The Swipe Volume 1 Chapter 42

X-Day prep is in full swing. The tree is up—TLC’s carefully curated collection of baubles and eclectic hangers give it pop and interest. We were delighted to finally snag a ‘Harold With An Arrow In His Eye’ from Reading Museum, which has pride of place alongside the yellow submarine, astronaut and beach hut. If someone can explain the significance of mushrooms to the X-Day celebrations I’d be grateful, because they seem to have been everywhere over the last couple of years. Yes, we have a fine example.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

The Swipe Volume 1 Chapter 41

December? Holy crap, it’s December! I suppose this is what happens when you spend a month indulging in self-absorbed literary activity, head buried up one’s own fundament. So, yes, Nanowrimo is over. I did not hit my goal, but I am relaxed about it and am continuing to work. Should have a first draft finished before X-Day (nothing to do with The Incompetant Landlord who does not, contrary to whatever addled notion bumbles through his flabby brain meat, own copyright on a letter of the bloody alphabet) so yay, go me.

Meanwhile the weather has closed in like an icy vise around us and once again I wonder why we don’t just make like bears and hibernate until the spring equinox. It would certainly make a good excuse to get some writing done.

Anyway. Running a bit short again this week, but hopefully there’s enough here to keep you entertained through the weekend. Stay warm, keep safe, have a mulled cider. You know it makes sense.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.

The Swipe Volume 1 Chapter 40

We’re coming up on the last week of Nanowrimo. Normally I’d be scrambling to hit wordcount, every day more of an effort. This year, I’m much more relaxed about the whole thing. I’m not even sure I’ll hit my self-imposed goal. What that means is I’ll probably continue writing into December, which is unusual for me. Rather than hitting the 50K and stopping, with the intention of taking a break into Christmas and picking up in the New Year, I’ll just gently carry on, letting the soft tide of the story carry me on. It seems like a more sensible, more sustainable way of completing a first draft, and one that won’t stress me the hell out.

Wherever you are, whenever you are, however you are, welcome to The Swipe.