Tarot Poetry as an excuse.

By the time you read this, TLC, Harvette and I will be heading north, up to a real happy place for us—Coniston. As such, normal service has been interrupted for the week. However, as I hate to leave you all hanging, a bit of a free form infodump to keep you all up to date.

To start, and for background, here’s a primer on what we’ll be up to this week, based on our last visit to the Lakes two years ago.

Up On Irish Row

Meanwhile, the Autumn/Winter term at Reading Writers kicked off on Wednesday with a session on the craft and publication of poetry. Which sure yes OK, sounds a little dry. In practice, with the expert guidance of actual poet Katherine Meehan, the evening was a warm and joyful experience. Geeky, yes. It’s a room full of writers talking about writing, after all. Another one of my happy places.

Anyway. There was a prompt writing exercise at the end of the night. Katherine passed out tarot cards and over the course of three exercises, teased us into writing some pomes.

Here’s my card.

And here’s what I came up with.

My father told a story
Of a garden constellation
That he found one golden autumn
In a corner of his field

Seven stars all in a cluster
Scattered all across the spinach
And he stood and contemplated
His bizarre celestial yield.

So he hung them in a garland
Up above the farmhouse lintel
And they shone there till the skies fell
And the heavens brought them home

So we toil and work and suffer
But the memory keeps us shining
Of the stars my father brought us
From the great celestial dome.

So. Yeah. that happened. I’m a poet now.


A few life notes.

The best thing we ate this week was a sneaky little weeknight gnocchi hack from the New York Times. Do not, for the love of all things holy, use brussel sprouts. Broccoli works brilliantly. Take the time to get the gnocchi crispy. It’s well worth it.

Gnocci and brown butter

We’re watching season 2 of Colin From Accounts and season 375 of Taskmaster. TLC has got into the Aimee Lee Wood and David Morrisey comedy Daddy Issues, which is utterly hilarious. I’ve been notified that the Apple+ show Bad Monkey is showrun by the guy behind Ted Lasso from a novel by Carl Hiassen, so that will need watching. The weather is closing in. It’s telly time.

Prime Reading continues to be a source of useful comics goodness. I’ve just found out that all ten volumes of Jason Aaron and R. M. Guéra’s Scalped is up on the service. A black-hearted, blood-red noir set on a Native American reservation, it’s tight, sharp, twisty and nasty—you know, in a good way. Brilliantly written and illustrated, moves like a truck, kicks like a mule oh look you get the idea. If you enjoyed Justified, you’ll frickin love this.

Oh, and I have a low-key obsession to share.

This is apparently a thing on the TubeGrams…

Which naturally brought me here. Delicious.

And we Outro on a high. An utter gem of British variety programming from the 70s, please enjoy Marti Caine tearing the room up with her disco version of a folk rock classic. You won’t be feelin’ low after this.

See you next Saturday.

The Long Road

A short section of a very long story—

A couple of days ago, TLC and I were heading back to our digs, aching and bone-deep weary after we’d somehow changed a quick stroll before dinner into a route march across poorly-mapped pastureland and rocky hillsides. Honestly, we do this to ourselves so often that it’s even funny anymore.

The last part of the track was, luckily, mostly downhill but there was one last upward dogleg to navigate. I sensed TLC slowing. She’s had trouble recently with her knees and Achilles tendon, yet she’s the one who will always lead us into uncharted territories. Wordlessly, I reached out my hand. Wordlessly, she took it and we negotiated the last slope together.

‘Thanks for the assist,’ she said once we were heading downhill again.

‘You know I’m always here for it,’ I said.

Continue reading The Long Road

A Week in the Weird

The two handles either side of the great upturned ale-jug of our island nation, Wales and East Anglia, are places which wear key elements of our character loudly and proudly—an obsession and familiarity with magic, the afterlife and demonic entities, permeable borders (including those between the living and the dead) and an intense dislike of authority. In this TED talk I will focus on the eastern lobe of our big-eared country. It’s familiar territory for me as an Essex boy who regularly holidayed up here as a boy, More helpfully, TLC and I’ve just spent a week in Suffolk, in a deconsecrated chapel a short drive from the coast.

Continue reading A Week in the Weird

Freedom And Liberation In Mad Max: Fury Road

A guest post this week! The fact it appears in a week when I have very little in the bank for a Swipe is entirely coincidental.

I am honored and delighted to welcome my pal Ryan Morris to the ranks of X&HTeammates. He has gracefully allowed me to host his piece, first published in 2019 by Jump Cut Archive, on… well, look at the title and you should get the idea. With Furiosa rumbling over the horizon this month, now is an excellent time to dig into the first part of the story (chronologically speaking, the second part but hey, you know, movies).

Aaaanyway. This is a deep dive but worth the oxygen debt. Settle back and let Ryan lead us down the path to freedom.




Geographically, Mad Max: Fury Road ends exactly where it begins. After a short prologue detailing the descent of the world and of humanity, we find ourselves deep within the Citadel, held and run by the tyrannical Immortan Joe. We watch as Max is brought there, used as a blood bank for the War Boy Nux, strapped to the front of a fired-up car and sent after Furiosa to bring back Joe’s five Wives. We follow their chaotic journey to the Green Place, grieve at their loss of hope, then witness their last-ditch effort to reclaim the once traumatic environment of the Citadel and re-identify it as a home of liberation. It’s a frantic, brutal, cyclical journey.

The Citadel opens George Miller’s film as a place of violence and hopelessness, an environment that leaves physical wounds upon the body – Max is brought there and immediately scarred with markings that dehumanizingly list his blood type, while Furiosa is introduced to us through a shot of the symbol Joe has branded on the back of her neck before we’re given the reveal of her mechanical left arm, an enigma to the violence of her past. Both elements to these characters will be important later, as we look at the ways Fury Road finds freedom for its characters, and binds it to a specific idea of liberation depending on the character you examine: for Max, it is liberation of the self; for Furiosa, liberation of the past; for Nux, liberation of the mind; for the Wives, liberation of the body. Miller’s film may open and close in the same physical environment but the same cannot be said for the people who occupy his story.

Before we begin, it’s worth looking at the other central themes that occupy Fury Road, as many of them will resurface once we take a deeper dive into the individual characters of the film and the way Miller takes them on the path to freedom via liberation. Most notably, Fury Road concerns itself with survival, specifically in a harsh, post-apocalyptic world. More than simply surviving the events of the film, though, Miller’s script imbeds the concept of survival deep into his characters – survival is all Max cares about, Furiosa concerns herself with the survival of others and Nux has little interest in survival in order to appease the leader he worships. Redemption and revenge also arise throughout the film, as well as the concept of home, again in a variety of ways – the Wives are looking for a new safe home, Furiosa is trying to return to her old home, and Max’s has been long destroyed.

Max Rockatansky opens the film with a narration, through which he refers to his world as “fire and blood” and deems himself “reduced to a single instinct”, survival. His narration grants us flashes into his past, scattered memories of family and friends he was unable to protect or save. He is, unmistakably, haunted by them. The shame of Max’ past overwhelms him and his sense of self, the figure we see at the beginning of the film is without home and without soul. Existing in the wasteland is all Max longs for and all he achieves, the most fundamental element of humanity – survival – is also the most rudimentary. We all need to survive, but we all choose to do so much more. Not Max.




It’s important to remember that, at this stage in the film, not even Max’s own blood belongs to him. Further into the film, when Max meets Furiosa and reluctantly joins her mission to free Joe’s Wives, he is queried as to his identity and his story, but he refuses to answer. Furiosa asks for his name during a pivotal scene and is met with little more than a blank stare and a snappy shake of the head. I don’t deserve a name, we can read through Tom Hardy’s brilliantly expressive eyes. A man haunted by those he failed to save does not warrant saving. To have a name is to have belonging, our first names identify us while our surnames come coupled with our history. Initially, Max wants neither.

Across Fury Road, Max comes to see that this world, though still unavoidably bleak and decayed, has opportunity for him. Those he failed to protect in the past will always haunt him, but when faced with the chance to correct the wrongs of his former self – the self he no longer identifies with – he begins to understand how he can avoid making the same mistakes. We’re introduced to Max in the Citadel as a blood bank for the Immortan’s army, but by the film’s resolution we find him using that branding to save the life of the woman who saved his sense of self – in doing so, he reclaims the identity he’s been hiding from others and, most notably, himself. Our last sighting of Max is of him disappearing into the crowds beneath the Citadel, refusing the spotlight and walking away from acknowledgement, but his nod of the head towards Furiosa – surviving because Max’ blood runs through her veins – is of stark contrast to the head shake he dismisses her with earlier. Liberated from the nameless persona Max bound to himself, we get the sense that the idea of family (a key component in our understanding of the self) is perhaps not all that lost to him anymore.

Similarly to Max, Furiosa’s growth across the film comes through our understanding of her past. While Max is granted the opportunity to talk us through his immediate history at the film’s opening, Furiosa has no such luxury, meaning we must piece her narrative thus far together ourselves. We know from Miller’s rich sense of world-building that women aren’t exactly heralded as worthy in this new and broken world, so we can perhaps ascertain that in order to achieve her high-ranking status Furiosa had to embody the traits of men and perhaps even look down on the other, “lesser” women of the Citadel. Why is the freedom of Joe’s Wives so important to her? In the Citadel, Furiosa has security, she has power and she has trust – that mechanical arm didn’t make itself. Abandoning this safety to grant the freedom of others in such a harsh world is an act of overwhelming selflessness, one we arguably don’t understand until later in the film when Furiosa reunites with the Vuvalini.

Redemption is the sole word on Furiosa’s lips when Max asks her what she wants, and it’s the sole word that convinces her to have faith in Max’s final plan to return to the Citadel. But what exactly does Furiosa need to redeem? We find out through her time with the Vuvalini that she was stolen from her home as a child, raised in the Citadel without any family and forced into the life she presently leads. There’s a sense of shame in Charlize Theron’s voice when Furiosa discusses her past without specificity, an unspoken side to her character that craves redemption without revealing what led her to require such an atonement. Has she brought misfortune or pain to others? To other women? Or was the mere act of passivity too much for her in the end, to allow Joe’s ruling to bring so much suffering for others? It’s hard to know for sure, but Furiosa is hell bent on fixing it.




Through saving Joe’s wives, and reuniting with and rehoming the surviving members of the Vuvalini, Furiosa finds her past actions (or inactions) redeemed, her bravery and ferocity leading to her physically ripping the face from Immortan Joe’s skull, ridding the identity of her enemy from the people she intends to rescue. Furiosa’s liberation almost comes at the expense of her own life too, with Max’s blood restoring her vitality in the film’s final moments. Where this act can be seen as a reclamation of identity for Max – the role he was assigned becomes the role he chooses – for Furiosa it feels more akin to a poetic sense of justice. When Furiosa first arrived at the Citadel, following her violent kidnapping, she lost the one person with whom she shared blood – her mother, kidnapped alongside her – three days later, leaving her alone and vulnerable to the world and the men who ruled it. In returning to the Citadel at the end of Fury Road with Max’s blood coursing through her body, her sense of family is restored and her past is relived in a more hopeful way, freeing her from its violence.

Continuing on from Max and Furiosa, Nux’s arc across Fury Road also begins prior to the start of the film. We meet Nux ill and drained, Max’s blood being pumped into him to keep him alive. He’s a War Boy, a slave to a religion. His purpose is to please his master, Immortan Joe, and die a glorious and historic death in order to be granted access into an afterlife, into Valhalla. Referred to as a half-life, Nux believes his sole purpose is to die so he can reach the next stage of his existence. He’s riddled with tumours and entirely unhinged, both his body and especially his mind are essentially poisoned. Giving chase with Max hooked to the front of his car, determined to bring back Joe’s Wives and win the acknowledgement of his God, Nux takes a leap of faith.

And he misses. He falls. In front of his ruler, he fails. Overcome with shame and fear – everything in his mind now tells him he’s destined to be cast aside, never awaited in Valhalla, living a worthless life – he cowers in the rig and is found by Capable, one of Joe’s Wives. Through his failure, he finds companionship. Through companionship he finds love, and through love he finds acceptance. Except, it isn’t a self-validating kind of acceptance, it doesn’t liberate his past or his identity in the ways the film uses Max and Furiosa. Rather, Nux’s freedom comes with accepting that his world and his beliefs are falsified, fabricated by his own ruler in order to use him as a blind soldier willing to die for a prize he’ll never see. His mind is a lie.

Coupled with his own rediscovered sense of purpose, Nux slowly joins the side that fights for freedom. In his final moments, Nux sacrifices himself by crashing the rig into a rock wall, allowing his newfound allies to survive while he closes off the pathway to the army chasing them. He dies on the battlefield, witnessed and loved by the one most important to him, in a historic death that changes the world. Nux achieves all he sets out to do but, with his mind now liberated from the toxins fed to him by a false God, he’s able to fight for the right people. Maybe an afterlife greeted him after the rig crashed through that violent terrain, or maybe his world went black and his time in it was up – the beauty in Nux’s ending is that it no longer matters. Whichever the outcome, Nux dies free, but most importantly he dies a hero – and that’s all he ever wanted.

Finally, we have Joe’s five wives: The Splendid Angharad, Capable, Toast the Knowing, Cheedo the Fragile and The Dag. Used and abused by Joe in the Citadel, exploited as little more than prized possessions and breeding stock, it would be very easy for the Wives to fall flat as characters, to feel like little more than cargo that Furiosa is escorting. But Miller binds a very simple yet powerful statement to the five women – “We are not things” – that prevents this from happening. We gather that, as breeding slaves, the Wives have little to no power in the Citadel, be it physically, emotionally or intellectually. Their bodies belong to Joe, and their minds don’t matter, as long as they’re pure and beautiful and as long as they’re his.



Across Fury Road, we witness Joe’s Wives liberate themselves from that very identity through the reclamation of their bodies. At their first pit stop, they use bolt cutters to forcibly remove the violent-looking chastity belts Joe forced them to wear and shower in water pumped from the rig, cleansing themselves of the environment they formerly belonged to. We know from an earlier scene that Joe uses water to manipulate the downtrodden citizens of his Citadel, pumping it up from the ground and claiming ownership of it. The act of using this water, that Joe himself would have pumped up, to rid the remnants of his Citadel from their skin is one of many ways the Wives free themselves – and, in that, their bodies – from Joe’s control. Later, when Joe has a clear shot at victory, Angharad hangs from the rig’s door and uses her pregnant body as a shield to prevent Joe from firing his gun. In both circumstances, the Wives use their bodies against Joe – at first symbolically, and then physically.

Returning to the Citadel feels like the very last thing the Wives would want to accomplish in this film, and yet it still rings entirely like a victory when they do. When we meet them, the Wives are the property of men in a hostile environment, but when Fury Road circles back to this location for its final sequence the circumstances could not be any more changed. Capable, Toast the Knowing, The Dag and Cheedo the Fragile return to the Citadel in the company of women, rising up on a platform and liberated from the male possession. That the film ends with them being physically lifted up to the highs of the Citadel by the sick War Pups is no coincidence, as the four women have altered their state from property to power. Their return is heralded, and as they look out from the platform rising to where we first met their former owner, their bodies now stand independent and free.

And so, we end back at the Citadel, the very place in which we began. There is an unmistakeable sense of irony to the cyclical way Mad Max: Fury Road ends, in which all the characters who fight to leave the Citadel end up returning to it and all the characters who want to return there end up dead in their attempts to do so. Here, we’ve looked at the ways Miller allows his characters’ motives and purposes to double back on themselves, to return to an earlier state but with a shift in perspective: Max reclaims his former identity but with reinvigorated hope, while Nux returns to the idea of sacrifice but for the opposing faction. Irony there may be, but it’s an irony that comes coupled with a sense of liberation for all involved.

Fury Road’s climactic return to its opening locale visually represents the nature of its own themes, a perfect circle that begins in one shade but finishes as another. All of the core characters in Miller’s film are released from their burdens, if not entirely then we at least get a sense that their new journeys are now in a place from which they can begin. Freed from the chains holding them back – be it physical (the Wives), mental (Furiosa, Nux) or maybe even both (Max) – Fury Road finds a changed, liberated perspective for its characters. The world may be poisoned and the future might look grim, but there’s no situation you can’t free yourself from if you have the power to do it, Miller argues. Self-discovery, redemption, understanding and empowerment await. Liberation awaits.


Harvette

I have a new love. She is a stylish blonde who garners admiring glances whenever we’re out together. She moves with elegance and grace. She is warm and soft to the touch. She sings a little two-note song when I slip into her in the mornings…

Look, she’s a car, alright? To be precise, a 2024 Honda HR-V in sand khaki. Our first new ride in twelve years. The end result of 18 months of planning, and wishing and thinking and saving.

Milady.

Why now? Well, after we paid off The Big Debt, we figured we owed each other a treat. And I drive getting on for two hundred miles a week for work. An upgrade to a more comfortable, economical and modern primary mode of transport seemed like a nice way forward.

After over a decade in our old whip, the change was a steep learning curve. Modern cars are—different. Science-fictional. The first weekend spent with Harvette was nervous, as we got to grips with all the strange noises and lights, the toots and whistles as she gently showed us how she liked to be handled. Also, she’s bigger and wider than the Nissan Note we’d pulled over 100,000 miles in. All of a sudden the road through Sonning seems very narrow indeed.

Running in a new car is a lot like learning to drive all over again. Where’s the fuel tank lid? Where’s the fuel tank lid release? How do I put on the rear window wipers? All the muscle memory accrued through twelve years of Note ownership went out the window in moments. Reversing onto the drive suddenly becomes a nervy exercise in angle management which, to be honest, the fancy reversing camera isn’t really helping with. I’ll be grateful for it soon, I’m sure, but for now I’ll stick to mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

A lot of research went into our decision. Like, a lot. I became very familiar with the work of Mat Watson of Carwow on YouTube, who is the most approachable and entertaining of motoring journalists. It’s a tough gig, though. Because one thing I immediately noticed once I started digging into our shortlist was that there are very few genuinely bad cars on the market anymore. Sure, there are lemons to be had, but in general if you’re buying new or nearly new, you will struggle to find a car that isn’t comfortable, easy to drive and stuffed with safety features.

Which means that, when reviewing a car, it’s tough to find things to complain about. If you want a perfect definition of first-world problems, look at motoring vids and wait for phrases like ‘scratchy plastics’ (in other words, slightly cheaper finishes on the interior surfaces), gripes about the number and size of cup holders, or rage at the amount of USB-C plugs available. If the worst complaint you can find about a new car is how long it takes the powered boot to open or that it’s a bit noisy when coming up to line speed on the motorway (both grumbles pointed at the HR-V as major reasons not to buy) then frankly, you’re barrel-scraping.

Let’s talk a little more about the safety measures. Most new cars now have more radar sensors and cameras than nuclear submarines. You drive in a bubble of radio, an envelope of security which gives fair warning if anything intrudes.

And I’m all for it. My view after six years of driving into work is that everything else on the road is out to get you. You will be aggressively tailgated if you dare to travel at national speed limit in anything other than the inner lane. People will decide to pull in front of you with half a car-length’s distance then slam on their brakes. In urban situations, pedestrians with their heads in their phone and earbuds in will wander out into the road in front of you without looking up. All of these have happened to me this week, and I thank the full Honda Sensing suite of safety refinements for keeping me out of shunts and crashes. It’s crazy out there. You need all the help you can get.

I’ll be frank. I want a car which makes my commute and everyday travelling needs simpler, easier and less of a chore. In this, Harvette is a star. On the motorway, firing up adaptive cruise control and lane-assist means she very nearly drives herself. I long for the day when I can roll into the back of my motor, say ‘take me home, sweetie’ and be chauffeured back to bed. Autopilot on Teslas or California’s self-driving taxis don’t do the job but, based on the technology available to us here and now, the dream is not that far away. Take the driver out of the equation and road traffic accidents drop to nil. The vehicles aren’t the problem, it’s the numpties behind the wheel.

So why Harvette? That’s a question with two answers. To be honest, we made the choice when we first started looking at cars last year. I drew up a shortlist which TLC quietly decimated. The cars I’d picked were too big for her. But, after she had summarily dismissed the Honda CR-V (which is, to be fair, a big lump) she spotted its smaller classmate. Within three minutes of settling into the seats, enjoying the high, wide views and cooing over the soft-touch steering wheel, we were smitten. And to be honest, every car we looked at after that didn’t have the warm fuzzies we got from the HR-V. A test drive this February settled the deal after a nervous wiggle around the twisty B-roads around Swallowfield, and we signed off on finance before Easter.

It’s all in the gut, I guess. If you drive, you know what sort of car suits you. Neither of us are petrolheads or speed demons. It’s nice to have a car with the legs to get you out of trouble when a three-lane trap of caravans and Amazon lorries is closing in front of you, but we don’t believe in monstering it. Reviews of the HR-V highlighted how it was built for people who didn’t care if their car was a bit—you know, boring.

That’s us, Readership. Target market. We want a decent boot. We want fold-flat back seats which also, cleverly, flip up like theatre seats when you have a big plant to bring back from the garden centre. We want a smooth and elegant ride. Who needs to blast when you can cruise?

And yet. Honda are riding high in F1. The Honda Civic regularly breaks lap records on the Nürburgring. And Harvette will pull 0-60 in under nine seconds—quicker than the 80’s hot hatches so many car journalists revere. We were looking for a boring, practical car. We ended up with a speedy looker. And that colour! It’s sort of champagney with a hint of green. According to the DVLA, it’s ‘beige’. Heathens.

So why Harvette, part two? Well, the name was always going to be Harvey (HR-V, come on, keep up) until Darren at Marshall Honda referred to the test car in feminine terms. After that, well, we didn’t want to misgender. And Harvette sounds like a cool 50s motoring marque that only the real nerds know about. She has her own personality, we feel. A classy lady with a practical bent but a quietly wicked sense of humour. And she really does toot out a little tune when I start her up in the mornings. ‘Hi, Rob’ she says. ‘Morning, sweetie’ I reply.

God it’s pathetic.

In summary, then. We bought a new car. I like it a lot. I’ve been boring everyone I know about it, so now it’s your turn.

And this is why we will never charge for content on Excuses And Half Truths.

See you next Saturday.

Blast From The Past- Favela Future

It’s been one of those weeks where all the things happened at once. Some really good, others—not. In short, Readership, Life Got In The Way Of Your Entertainment. Rather than offer a half-assed chapter of The Swipe, instead I’d like to invite you to click below and enjoy a hit from the extensive Excuses And Half Truths archives.

Join me in a crumbling, dystopian future that is, naturally enough, a product of and reaction to the times we live in now…


Continue reading Blast From The Past- Favela Future

Under Glass

Isn’t it a little late in the day for a hot take on Apple’s Vision Pro AR headset? The thing was announced all of two weeks ago. The news cycle has cast the Eye of Sauron upon it, made pronouncements and swept on in search of the next headline. No time for a thoughtful examination. Everyone else is bloviating, you need to get your voice heard too, quickly. 99 percent of the articles feel the same—a quick spin through the tech specs and an opinion based on, for those with privileged access, a short period of time spent with the device. This would have been a carefully curated, heavily stewarded experience. The last thing Apple want is commentary outside their interests.

Continue reading Under Glass

The Gift Of Salt

Joe is always trying to give me stuff. He is a generous and sweet-natured soul, and I cherish our relationship—even though it feels like I’m taking advantage. Over the years, he’s given me a beautiful tech-useful messenger bag, a set of quite useful kitchen knives, several bottles of seriously good bourbon. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve them—or him, for that matter.

On our last visit up to the Midlands to see him and TLC’s mum, he wanted to give me some salt. Bog standard, bulk-buy free-flow salt. The sort that comes in 750g containers the shape of which, if cast in steel, you could load into a howitzer and fire at the enemy.

Of course, I turned him down. Partly out of embarrassment at always being the taker, but come on, seriously. Why should I, a man of culinary taste and refined manners, allow horrible basic salt within a country mile of the hallowed ground that is my kitchen?

I have plenty of good salt. I love my salt. I am by birth an Essex boy, so there’s usually a box of Maldon’s finest on the counter. A current favourite is Sal de Portugal, a flaky soft salt in a sweet ceramic pinch pot. That, along with most of my saline solutions, comes from the savvy cook’s best kept secret—TK Maxx. If you need Himalayan pink salt, there are groaning shelf-fulls of the stuff. Then there’s the fancy blends and mixes the collector in me can’t resist. Old Bay seasoning, Montreal Steak blend, the stuff I make from dried mushrooms blended with Maldon and just a touch of MSG (which is something for a whole other blog post).

Salt is vital. You need a gram of it a day to live. It’s the first word in the title of Samin Nosrat’s bible of kitchen essentials. One of the worst crimes you can commit in Masterchef or Great British Menu is to under-season your food. One of the reasons restaurant food tastes so good? Much more salt than you’d consider feasible. OK, far too much butter and cream too, but good food needs a heavy hand with the salt pig.

Once upon a long ago, salt was so important that ownership of a decent stash was a sign of wealth and status. At the lord’s table, your place in the pecking order was predicated by where you were sitting in relation to the salt bowl, which was normally in the middle. If you were below the salt, you were on the same level of importance as livestock. Which brings back a childhood memory of an old Steeleye Span album my parents used to play regularly.

The salt at the lord’s table had value which was reflected in the work required to get it in that bowl. Similarly, my Maldon and Sal de Portugal costs much more than Joe’s howitzer-shell of salinity. But much of that cost nowadays comes down to processing and, let’s be frank, marketing. We expect to pay more for fancy salt in fancy packaging. Fundamentally, though, they are chemically identical to the stuff I throw in the dish-washer and water-softener. It’s all sodium chloride.

I was, as I hope some of you have realised already, not just being a snob when I refused Joe’s offer. I was an idiot. Why on earth should I use fancy finishing salts for every seasoning job in the kitchen? It’s wasteful and expensive.

If I want to build a dough for salt-crust baking a celeriac, some lamb or a whole sea bass, the free-flow stuff is fine. I could use piles of it to prop up delicate, wobbly items like oysters for a blast under the grill. Or for salting pasta water, ffs. In a worst case scenario, it would come in handy to de-ice the slippery bit by the front door. Whatever happened, I would be better off with the salt than without it.

Therefore, two minutes after turning down Joe’s offer, I came to my senses, humbly apologised and asked if it was still on the table. Fortunately, Joe was more of a gentleman than I had been. I accepted his gift with thanks. Then I made a promise not be such a moron in future.

The lesson to take from all this? Firstly and most importantly, get over yourself. Don’t assume you’re better than the gift. Chances are, it’s offered with love. You should never turn your back on that.

All ingredients have a purpose. It’s down to you, as a cook, to find what that may be. Stress-test your assumptions and prejudices. Don’t sneer at the basics. Play. Explore. Enjoy. Your food and your cookery will be all the better for it.

The Story Of Sentience

Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before. There’s this guy who works with computers, a software developer. As part of his duties, he has to interrogate the equipment, a quality control pass to make sure the program is working within normal parameters. He discovers, or realises, or believes, his particular piece of software is not only over-performing—it has developed a soul.

Continue reading The Story Of Sentience